(no subject)

[here_inmyhead]

Gah, it's harder and harder to think these days. I'm not sad at the moment, but... it's so confusing. My head's all jumbled with a storm of thoughts, and I feel like writing or talking about it with someone, but I get this blank box or empty AIM window, and I never know what to type. So... I clamp up, or something?

It's also very noisy in the apartment. Albeit, my IRL friends are way chattier than I am and they don't mind this, but I feel... drained. You know how some people feel energized around others and get antsy when they're alone? I'm kind of the opposite. Even around people I like, I start feeling like I humongously need space after a certain period of time, and it's nothing against them... just "okay I need alone time now." It's hard for me to concentrate on thinking or reading or things like that when people are talking and talking all around you or playing video games or something.

At least my friends aren't the obnoxious party types. That's one thing I'm grateful for. :P More space for myself would be nice, but then I think about home and I'd rather be at the apartment than having some decent alone-time only to be interrupted by my angry Mom and that's not good. I just don't feel comfortable coming home until I get a job. And of course, the more I think about jobs, the more depressed I get. I know my parents aren't gonna help me with getting one if I come home, and it's like... the more I talk about getting employed, the more it saps my good mood and the more useless I feel. ghjkdghsgjks.

I've been going out for more walks lately, if only to get a chance alone with music and also fresh air. While it's been hard to read due to the crowdedness of the apartment, I did get some reading done... I finished Part 1 of Maurice! I'm thanking god the chapters are short because I'm easily distracted by indoor noise (I don't like reading outside though) and the scenery for reading isn't exactly great. (I've been hesitant to use the bed for reading since Reading in Bed = Bad and Will Make It Hard to Sleep, but I'm better off with the bed than the chair. Glancing between pages at the litterbox kinda kills the mood) But based on what I've read so far and if I can shut my brain off long enough to stop worrying, I'm enjoying the book so far and am looking forward to what happens next. ;; I have such high hopes for Maurice and I wanna finish it as soon as possible so I can watch the movie like dioschorium recommended and get the most out of the story. The book is rousing my emotions in all the nice ways. :o Also, Maurice himself is a derpface and needs several good slaps upside the head. Maybe not his fault considering how he was raised and how 1910s English society expected him to act, but still. LET'S SEE HOW HE TURNS OUT IN THE END.

Speaking of movies, I finally got to see Secret of Kells! It's such a gorgeous movie, I don't even hdskjghskjg. So much eye candy. I was surprised how short it was (at least according to today's movie standards), but I don't mind. Aisling's movements were so... fluid. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. :o I expected Abbot to die, so I was surprised he got up and was alive by the film's ending. While I consider the highlight of the movie to be in its animation, I did like the ending where he and Brendan were reunited. Daaw. I guess I'm just so used to the "Well Done Son" Guy trope where the father figure only acknowledges his love for his son after he's been shot/hit by the villain/dying, so I see something that turns out differently and I think, yes!

Dad and I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, nom. After that, I asked him to take me to Barnes N' Noble for a while. I don't know why, but while I was there, I was met with the usual comfort of BOOKS BOOKS EVERYWHERE, but I also felt this overwhelming... sadness. Something like complete disappointment in myself. I pass by the shelves with interesting looking books on them, especially those just recently published by first-time authors. Why the hell aren't you reading/writing, Puri? I suppose I could pride myself in being better than some awful YA vampire novel-of-the-month, but there's the fact they actually finished a damn novel and got published. And I'm not even close to having a full manuscript. Then there's the books that look awesome and original, and I think, "Oh god, I'm nowhere like that, they're so much better than me. I should be ashamed. Why should I even try--o god what the fuck no I still want to but I feel inferior. But--But--I'm so full of 'buts' and excuses." I get a little excited because a couple books that looked neat to me mentioned stage magicians, but I'm also thinking, "My god, what if stage magicians/illusionists/escape artists are going to become a trend? By the time you even finish your book, if at all, people are going to take one look at the illusionist character in your novel and think, 'Oh god, not another one. Another author hopping on the bandwagon, I see.'"

I'm thinking of axing another character from my novel: Virginia. She's been giving me so much problems and I honestly find her dull compared to the rest of the cast I have so far, even if she and many of the others still have the personality of cardboard. I even find myself hating her because she feels too much like a Token Female (despite there being another female character in the Group of Adventurers, and of course, at Medlock's lab is Raggedy Ann herself. They're both 47534864386748x more interesting and have more potential than Virginia) and people would think she was a Shallow Love Interest when I hadn't intended on pairing her with anyone at all. (Given that Raggedy Andy would end up with Marius anyway, no question. No gag-inducing triangles either) I even entertained myself with the thought of sinking the Andy/Virginia ship (Virginia telling Andy she liked him, Andy politely telling her he only saw her as a friend, Virginia being "okay" and a little upset/angry and refusing to speak to him for a while, Andy feeling guilty, Virginia moves on and is just fine without a love interest, etc.), and even typing the scenario out makes me cringe simply because of how wrong it sounds. Subversion or not, I don't think I can go through with this with such a dull character I don't care about in an effort to make her interesting.

The reason I've kept her for so long is because of a plot twist I thought of working with. So Virginia joined Andy because he was looking for his sister; she was looking for her long-lost dad. Long-lost dad is Dr. Medlock, who has been trying to recreate his lost family for nearly 18-21 years. He adopted his name from his owner, a little girl whose surname was Medlock; and that was Virginia's connection to him and how she knew he was still alive somewhere in the museum. We learn this Luke-I-Am-Your-Father twist early, so it's hanging over our heads for dramatic irony. So when Medlock and Virginia meet... hoo boy. Congratulations, Dr. Medlock. You've pointlessly experimented on innocent toys for a daughter who was alive all along. O THE TRAGEDY!!1!111

Unfortunately, this is all Virginia has for her. That, and her name, which is a reference to the "Yes Virginia..." Santa Claus letter. (Doesn't help I can't even make her mind on her appearance, and it's not like the cast needs another ragdoll when I want my cast to be more varied) Like any axed character, she might come back, but it's incredibly unlikely. While I'm more certain of other character's roles, Virginia has been nothing but a blank and I think it'd be easier if I got rid of her than to carry around extra baggage. That way, it'll be easier for me to focus on developing the other characters. I dislike having Too Many Characters anyway.

The whole Luke-I-Am-Your-Father thing is overdone anyway. Plus Dr. Medlock has proven himself to be plenty tragic/monstrous on his own.

I still feel humongously tempted to start my novel from the beginning again, constantly. My current first draft is virtually the opposite of my NaNoDraft, and nothing is consistent. I know what my plot is, but I can't organize it for the fricken' life of me and it makes me really upset. I can share some passages, but I'd be hard-pressed to show things from the beginning in order because... hdskjghdskjghdkg it's a muddled mess. And I don't even know where to go next. I know specific scenes, but I don't even know what all the rooms in the museum are. And I really don't want to quit on this novel because it's so important to me. I love the ideas I have for it so it's definitely a case of Writer's Block. Am I revealing too much at once, aka things that should've been spoilers from the beginning? Just... gdhsgdskgjdskg

I keep telling myself to make a damn LJ post exclusively to explain what my book is about. I should. I am so goddamn embarrassed about the earlier entries regarding my novel because they sound so goddamn skeevy. Gods, there I go, being paranoid and self-conscious again.

Note to self: When I see my psychologist tomorrow, talk to him about your insecurity/lack of confidence in yourself. GAH PURI JUST GO FOR A WALK ALREADY. I need to clear my head before I sit anywhere near a keyboard again.

Comments

[private-enemy.livejournal.com]

I know that, for myself at least, going on walks while listening to music has always been a good way for me to relax and clear my head.

I'd honestly love to comment more on the fact that a lot of the ways you think are similar to the ways I think or have thought, namely on the job situation (I didn't used to have a job either, and the prospect used to fill me with dread) and self-confidence issues/second guessing yourself, but it's 2 am and I really need to get to bed for work in the morning, so I just wanna say: take all the time you need, and I hope things will start to become easier for you as time goes on.

Take care Puri. I'm rooting for you. <3 (hug)

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

Walks are definitely good, though it's been harder for me to do them 'cause Texas heat is absolutely horrible and I have to retreat to the closest place with air conditioning. :( I've been walking at later times/earlier night, but there's risks that come from that and also people look at me funny. Like a "it's that girl running across the street at night again" kind of person, and I'm wondering if anyone recognizes me when I walk up and down the stores like HEB without buying anything. Auuugh.

*snuzzle* I ought to be sleeping for my psychologist since it's late over here as well. Hope you have a good day~

[amelia-seyroon.livejournal.com]

(That icon!)

Cheer up, Puri-chan!

[typhlogirl.livejournal.com]

The Secret of Kells is such a flawless movie!

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

I love Kells so much. I could stare at it all day. *-*

[nightflight.livejournal.com]

Hey, Puri.

If it helps, or even makes you feel a little warm or a little squishy inside, I'm older than you and have been plagued with similar doubts about the quality of my writing/ideas/etc. compared to the books lining my favorite bookstores' shelves for DECADES. I have the same warm but sad feeling every single time I go to a bookstore.

But recently I've started trying my hand at writing again... and one of the reasons is you. I may not comment much but I read every post you write, and seeing your passion for your story and your efforts to get it out is just so inspiring to me. Seeing you try so hard made me feel like I wanted to try harder too. So thank you.

I believe in you and am looking forward to reading your book someday!

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

This comment totally makes my day. ;; It makes me so happy that I'm inspiring you to write again, to just... it makes me hopeful that I'm making you hopeful, and that's one of the greatest feelings writing can give. ;; FOR YOUR SAKE, I'LL NEVER GIVE UP. AND I BELIEVE IN YOU TOO~ ♥♥♥

I'm thanking you right back. ;;

[kitty-advanced.livejournal.com]

I had to read "Maurice" for a college course called "British Vices" (which was the best class ever). I think I finished it in two days because it was so damn interesting. I found it later at a book sale and own it now.

I've had to kill characters in novels/fanfics before. It's not always easy, but if the character can't seem to act on it's own in your brain, it's better to ignore them and bog your story down with useless clatter. The best one's take on a life of their own.

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

Man, that sounds like a neat class. :o I took "Russian Sci-Fi" back in college and that was easily my favorite course ever. 8) I'm getting more and more excited about Maurice, yay~

It's not the first time I had to axe a character either; I got rid of a Gothic-type Mary-Sue whose background was way too dark for comfort. (I mean, my book's dark, but not that dark) I haven't regretted letting go of her since. :P

[kitty-advanced.livejournal.com]

"Russian Sci-Fi" sounds really awesome too. Do you remember what you read? I'm interested in possibly digging these up from a library.

For what it's worth, my two favorite parts of "British Vices" were:

1. That time my teacher suddenly decided to give the males in my class an ungraded pop quiz on parts of the vagina. He would say them (ex. "labia majora") and we'd write down what we thought it was. I do not know how I did.

2. That time he showed us stills from Madonna's "Sex" book on the projector and someone walked past the open door, looked in, and started to walk away. My teacher yelled that they were welcome to come in.

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

I discovered one of my newest favorite authors and books there: Mikhail Bulgakov and Yevgeny Zamyatin. We were introduced to The Fatal Eggs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fatal_Eggs) and Heart of a Dog (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_of_a_Dog), which were haunting and different from any literature I've been used to reading. :o I particularly like the latter, especially since it's got quotes like these:

“Kindness. The only possible method when dealing with a living creature. You'll get nowhere with an animal if you use terror, no matter what its level of development may be. That I have maintained, do maintain and always will maintain. People who think you can use terror are quite wrong. No, no, terror is useless, whatever its colour – white, red or even brown! Terror completely paralyses the nervous system."

Be warned while both books are short, it's rather... visceral when it comes to violence. The surgery in Heart of a Dog made me cringe because of how clinical and realistic it was. :o

My Russian Sci-Fi teacher also gives a course entirely dedicated to "The Master and Margarita", and I bought the book itself to read someday. "Manuscripts don't burn" indeed.

WE (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_%28novel%29) by Zamyatin inspired both "Brave New World" and "1984", and it's pretty much the dystopia novel for me. The ending shocked the heck out of me and punched me in the gut, to put it in non-spoilery terms. :o It's an overshadowed novel and it's well-deserving as a classic~ ♥

We were also introduced to Pushkin and Gogol ("The Nose") and we saw several classic Soviet-era science fiction films such as Aelita: Queen of Mars (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aelita). Including a robot movie with a sad ending that I cannot remember the title of for the life of me. It was satirical, I think, and it had a catchy theme. :( In class, we were shown clips of Amphibian Man, which was good campy fun. :3

Unfortunately, I missed most of the films due to sleeping problems and schedule/college conflicts, like Solaris, Stalker, and the Heart of a Dog movie. :( Lucky for me, the latter appears to be available with subtitles on YouTube...

Dang, I wanna take a vagina quiz! Or a penis quiz, since I'm a girl. XD Your teacher sounds awesome and I'd totally step in and watch the rest of the "Sex" projection. XD What other books did you study in that class? Any in particular I might like?

[private-enemy.livejournal.com]

Ooh ooh, I loved Solaris! I have it on blu-ray. :3 Admittedly, it's glacially paced and quite ponderous at times, but it's wrought with emotion and raises some fascinating questions. Definitely recommend it if you can watch it somewhere.

[kitty-advanced.livejournal.com]

I wish I remember more of what we read, and most of it was handouts.

The only books I remember were "Lady Chatterly's Lover" which is far more graphic than I ever thought it would be, and "Fanny Hill", which is a novel written by John Cleland from the perspective of a prostitute, and is basically porn. But really early porn. "Adam Bede" too, which the wiki makes really confusing. Love rectangles, infanticide, affairs, it's all there. It's like a soap opera but in old timey England!

We also read "Goblin Market" which was a poem that the author was like "It's for kids. Seriously" but it's rather sexual.

I wish I remember the name of this one book from the perspective of a maid. All I remember is the big letdown moment when the she hears a great rustling in the closet and your all like "Oh man, this is gonna be good". The next sentence is "than it stopped". Got my hopes up for nothin'!

Note: Previous fake out may or may not be from "Fanny Hill".

I don't remember any Pushkin, but I did take a Tolstoy course (my teacher was/is a sourch on Gogol's wikipedia page). You can not read "War & Peace" in a month. Well, you can, but it's one of those books that has so much going on that you simply can not take it all in.

[koyaaniisqatsi.livejournal.com]

I always enjoy going out for walks on my own, it helps me clear my head. :3

<3

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

I love going for walks~ Heck, any exercise is good, but walking is my favorite~ ♥

[zerenitia.livejournal.com]

LOL Like, everything you've been saying about the troubles you're having with your novel is the very same thing that's happening to me with the comic book I was supposed to have published four years ago |D;; My story NOW is WAYYYYYY different than what it started off as. It sucks when that happens!