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Jun. 16th, 2004 10:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
here_inmyheadOh goodie. "The Voice", aka the Stalker Dude, aka the social worker is coming back, so as a result, I have to drop everything including fanfiction and go-take-out-the-garbage-and-make-your-bed-NOW. And I'm still so freaked out.
For some reason, I can never have enough privacy. I feel so happy doing whatever I want, when I want-- I can go on the computer and the Internet, meet my friends, write my fanfiction, listen to whatever song I want on Winamp, and no one will be there to come in and kick me off. Or constantly interrogate me. Or watch everything I do behind my back.
I'm so scared that one day, the government will assign each and every normal person a little worker that keeps an eye on things and "insures their safety". In other words, they'll be watching everything you do, including when you talk with your family or when you're on the computer. God knows you can't dare make in-jokes with friends or write whatever you're feeling on your livejournal--the only right way is the government's way after all, and you mustn't discuss shipping between two fictional male characters or anything else that's considered "not acceptable".
I'm finally home, and this guy is trying to take me back. He'll search for every tiny thing that's wrong or worries him in this house and make up lies to bring us to our downfall. And he thinks whatever bad thing I say about him was because I'm being "influenced" or "threatened" by my parents and older sister to say so. Going back to foster care is going back to hell--the computer is the only way I can reach my friends and be able to express myself publicly through my journal and fanfiction. Sure, I can still write in a notebook. But who will want to read my stuff in real life? I'll either freak people out or be told to write original fiction. (And apparently, they don't {won't} understand that one of the reasons I write fanfiction is to practice for the other stuff ahead) Lord knows that the Internet is and an unnessary new bit of technology which they know everything about despite barely {never} using it in their lives, and that all the friends I've ever had are either robots or stalkers. *seethe*
And over at that foster home, there is no Internet OR working computers.
I'm sick of living in the past. I want to move on, because I know I have a future. I'm extremely tired of the pessimissm and false hopes that seem to plauge my family, and I'm sick and tired of having to listen to my dad fight with Mom and over the computer, bills, his new job, or whatever, and my mom indulges in medicine that doesn't work and her stupid soap operas and movies about family tragedies and still feels how the family was like before me, my brother and sister were taken away. I've become a different person than I was a year ago or so, and I've become much more calm, proactive, and procrastinate less. So why the hell is Dad still screaming his head off at everyone whenever he's upset or Mom just lying there all depressed and acting like nothing's going to change? And now there's "The Voice", who's trying to put me back into the past. And I'd wish he and the other foster care people would leave me the FUCK alone so I can move on with my life, instead of the other way around.
Either way, even if I DO get pushed back into foster care, I'll find a way out. In several years, I'll be in college. In several years, I'll be saving up money for a lap top with Internet access. I'll write fanfics like crazy. I will keep in touch with my friends somehow. I will find a way to keep posting to FF.net, Freedom of Speech, Livejournal, and so on. Finally, I'll graduate and live on my own, where I can finally have peace. I don't have to mess with these horrid affairs anymore--it'll be just me, my dog, my computer, and my friends, all in a nice, quiet, beautiful, and solitary life, where social workers and whatever will NEVER have to bother me ever again.
For some reason, I can never have enough privacy. I feel so happy doing whatever I want, when I want-- I can go on the computer and the Internet, meet my friends, write my fanfiction, listen to whatever song I want on Winamp, and no one will be there to come in and kick me off. Or constantly interrogate me. Or watch everything I do behind my back.
I'm so scared that one day, the government will assign each and every normal person a little worker that keeps an eye on things and "insures their safety". In other words, they'll be watching everything you do, including when you talk with your family or when you're on the computer. God knows you can't dare make in-jokes with friends or write whatever you're feeling on your livejournal--the only right way is the government's way after all, and you mustn't discuss shipping between two fictional male characters or anything else that's considered "not acceptable".
I'm finally home, and this guy is trying to take me back. He'll search for every tiny thing that's wrong or worries him in this house and make up lies to bring us to our downfall. And he thinks whatever bad thing I say about him was because I'm being "influenced" or "threatened" by my parents and older sister to say so. Going back to foster care is going back to hell--the computer is the only way I can reach my friends and be able to express myself publicly through my journal and fanfiction. Sure, I can still write in a notebook. But who will want to read my stuff in real life? I'll either freak people out or be told to write original fiction. (And apparently, they don't {won't} understand that one of the reasons I write fanfiction is to practice for the other stuff ahead) Lord knows that the Internet is and an unnessary new bit of technology which they know everything about despite barely {never} using it in their lives, and that all the friends I've ever had are either robots or stalkers. *seethe*
And over at that foster home, there is no Internet OR working computers.
I'm sick of living in the past. I want to move on, because I know I have a future. I'm extremely tired of the pessimissm and false hopes that seem to plauge my family, and I'm sick and tired of having to listen to my dad fight with Mom and over the computer, bills, his new job, or whatever, and my mom indulges in medicine that doesn't work and her stupid soap operas and movies about family tragedies and still feels how the family was like before me, my brother and sister were taken away. I've become a different person than I was a year ago or so, and I've become much more calm, proactive, and procrastinate less. So why the hell is Dad still screaming his head off at everyone whenever he's upset or Mom just lying there all depressed and acting like nothing's going to change? And now there's "The Voice", who's trying to put me back into the past. And I'd wish he and the other foster care people would leave me the FUCK alone so I can move on with my life, instead of the other way around.
Either way, even if I DO get pushed back into foster care, I'll find a way out. In several years, I'll be in college. In several years, I'll be saving up money for a lap top with Internet access. I'll write fanfics like crazy. I will keep in touch with my friends somehow. I will find a way to keep posting to FF.net, Freedom of Speech, Livejournal, and so on. Finally, I'll graduate and live on my own, where I can finally have peace. I don't have to mess with these horrid affairs anymore--it'll be just me, my dog, my computer, and my friends, all in a nice, quiet, beautiful, and solitary life, where social workers and whatever will NEVER have to bother me ever again.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 09:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 09:22 am (UTC)Hm
Date: 2004-06-16 01:06 pm (UTC)I recommend shooting the social worker and hiding the body :D No one will ever know.
Re: Hm
Date: 2004-06-16 01:37 pm (UTC)