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Nov. 13th, 2005 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
here_inmyheadWow. I've been so caught up in my recent life I've almost overshadowed all the little miseries from my younger years. Especially in my 7th grade memory folder I found--gods, I was a sad little kid. And now, I have so many wonderful friends, my family life's getting more organized, I'm almost into college, my fanfiction's starting to become known and my reputation as an author is making me increasingly known as not infamous, but famous...
Back then? I was bully's favorite Picking Target, and I got everything from obscene phone calls to name-calling and... let me chronicle middle school as one of the most horrible and lonely years of my life, kthnx. Along with being in foster care, one of the reasons being Dad had no job. Back then, I've probably known Elisha, Mel... Cammi, Philleh, Ivy and Squishbag didn't come until MUCH later, and I pretty much spent time with my Pokemon and other electronic devices or bugging my sister's friends. I dunno, I just feel... kinda crushed. Like everything's caught up with me and it's all happening again, right now...
And I'm still confused on well... a certain topic. But it appears my younger friends are more comfortable with it than I am. Whereas, I still feel like stabbing myself and feeling absolutely horrible whenever I bring it up. I'm bound to get a bunch of misunderstandings, and well... it's NOT what you think. I know the answer is "follow your heart" and all that, but I can't tell if I'm stepping away from the wrong direction or blocking myself from something beneficial. I sound 1950s, I know. But I'm confused, but I'm also scared I'll be slammed. Scared I'll be misunderstood. Maybe one day, I'll gather the courage to talk about it on LJ, but... it's not looking good right now.
Huh. I have all these things in the back of my head, but I'm too scared to talk to a psychiatrist. I hate them--and I don't feel like I need one either. Last time, they tried too hard to be my friend, and well... uncomfortable things came out of that. And well, I couldn't tell them everything--my problems and worries tend to focus on fandom rather than real life. What psychiatrist is going to understand that? That, and I feel like they'd only manipulate me... make me feel that something WAS wrong with me. I met such a counselor once, and only once--I didn't forget it. It was like she were mocking me. I felt worse after I saw her, and I never went back. I remembered myself wailing for therapy because I felt like I was worthless--when I wasn't. But you couldn't tell Puri at that age--that was before Puri became Puri, the one you know now. This was the Sad*Puri from middle school; from older years. The girl stuck with her tormenters with the disgusting graffiti and a few times, annoying notes in her locker. The girl who was made fun of by both boys AND girls. The one who was constantly being bugged, "______ likes you!" "Would you go out with _________? *giggle*" and so on. And of course, being told to "just ignore them", even if they just keep doing it anyway. They never go away. And it still hurts.
Updating from my Dad's laptop, so I can't exactly do much. So much for trying to finish that mood theme I was makin'. My computer's busted, and Dad believes it's because dust has clogged the computer--he's made me clean my room so he can vacuum. And that was how I restumbled upon my old white folder of memories from 7th grade, ignored on that blue chair normally used as a place to store dirty clothes...
So yeah, feeling miserable. Other than that, did pretty much nothing but raising Chao and listening to the "With Teeth" soundtrack to drown out a movie my parents were watching. I normally thought nostalgia brought NICE feelings, too...
Back then? I was bully's favorite Picking Target, and I got everything from obscene phone calls to name-calling and... let me chronicle middle school as one of the most horrible and lonely years of my life, kthnx. Along with being in foster care, one of the reasons being Dad had no job. Back then, I've probably known Elisha, Mel... Cammi, Philleh, Ivy and Squishbag didn't come until MUCH later, and I pretty much spent time with my Pokemon and other electronic devices or bugging my sister's friends. I dunno, I just feel... kinda crushed. Like everything's caught up with me and it's all happening again, right now...
And I'm still confused on well... a certain topic. But it appears my younger friends are more comfortable with it than I am. Whereas, I still feel like stabbing myself and feeling absolutely horrible whenever I bring it up. I'm bound to get a bunch of misunderstandings, and well... it's NOT what you think. I know the answer is "follow your heart" and all that, but I can't tell if I'm stepping away from the wrong direction or blocking myself from something beneficial. I sound 1950s, I know. But I'm confused, but I'm also scared I'll be slammed. Scared I'll be misunderstood. Maybe one day, I'll gather the courage to talk about it on LJ, but... it's not looking good right now.
Huh. I have all these things in the back of my head, but I'm too scared to talk to a psychiatrist. I hate them--and I don't feel like I need one either. Last time, they tried too hard to be my friend, and well... uncomfortable things came out of that. And well, I couldn't tell them everything--my problems and worries tend to focus on fandom rather than real life. What psychiatrist is going to understand that? That, and I feel like they'd only manipulate me... make me feel that something WAS wrong with me. I met such a counselor once, and only once--I didn't forget it. It was like she were mocking me. I felt worse after I saw her, and I never went back. I remembered myself wailing for therapy because I felt like I was worthless--when I wasn't. But you couldn't tell Puri at that age--that was before Puri became Puri, the one you know now. This was the Sad*Puri from middle school; from older years. The girl stuck with her tormenters with the disgusting graffiti and a few times, annoying notes in her locker. The girl who was made fun of by both boys AND girls. The one who was constantly being bugged, "______ likes you!" "Would you go out with _________? *giggle*" and so on. And of course, being told to "just ignore them", even if they just keep doing it anyway. They never go away. And it still hurts.
Updating from my Dad's laptop, so I can't exactly do much. So much for trying to finish that mood theme I was makin'. My computer's busted, and Dad believes it's because dust has clogged the computer--he's made me clean my room so he can vacuum. And that was how I restumbled upon my old white folder of memories from 7th grade, ignored on that blue chair normally used as a place to store dirty clothes...
So yeah, feeling miserable. Other than that, did pretty much nothing but raising Chao and listening to the "With Teeth" soundtrack to drown out a movie my parents were watching. I normally thought nostalgia brought NICE feelings, too...
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Date: 2005-11-13 02:59 pm (UTC)That's not the half of it, but I'll leave it at that. I'm sorry about spouting my problems instead of talking about yours D: All I can say right now is I know how you feel. And one cannot dwell on the past, because it's come and gone. The future is really what's important, and you should focus on making that time better than the past was. C'mon, Puri, do the things you like, and cheer up :)
I'm here for you <3 *HUUUUG*
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Date: 2005-11-13 04:12 pm (UTC)Personally, I have a lot of odd regrets. And some of the things I wish had been different are just kind of silly. That's one of the problems of being a laid-back perfectionist like me -- I like to relax and avoid doing unnecessary work, but then I always curse myself for being too inactive once things don't turn out as well as I want them to.
I worry more about my future than my past, right now, since I keep feeling that too much is being asked of me with college, work, family, etc. So I end up becoming really angry at myself (explaining why most of my recent LJ entries are angst... yet another of my regrets). But I wanna keep trying to be myself, happy and laid-back. I have a few people who are really depending on me, and I don't want to let them down.