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Nov. 5th, 2006 05:11 pmI feel absolutely sick inside.
Or at least, I always feel that way for some reason whenever I go offline. I never know why I'm so sad, and by the time I come back to type about it, I get distracted by something else and feel happy again. So the cycle repeats itself.
Why do I have a feeling I should give up as a writer? Of course, whenever I think that, an entire hole forms a huge void deep in me and I feel like I don't exist anymore. But what can I do if I can't ever gain true inspiration anymore? That I can't laugh out loud, be moved by anything ever again, and not be plagued by the negative things in fandom?
I often think that hatred is my enemy. You know how there's something you like and someone comes along and says it defiles and ruins the planet with it's prescence? Depending on the person, you'd either laugh it off, get angry, or feel low. But what if you're constantly barraged by people who comment with the same thing? I mean, we all don't like something. But there's a BIG difference between... it reminds me of what my Freshman Choir Teacher, Mr. Johns, said. Whenever we had to practice a music piece we dreaded, he asked us to say, "That's not my favorite song" instead of "I don't like that song" or "I hate that song" Why? Because if you say hate/don't like/dislike/can't stand/etc., it poisons the song--it gives a bitter, nasty venom to those who are trying to learn it, whether they like the song or not. But if we said the song wasn't our favorite, it's completely harmless while we're also telling the truth. Not to mention gets the point across without spewing fire. :P
And these same people seem to celebrate (the "right thing" to fangirl, supposedly) what I can't really see the appeal of. But it's like everyone does and I feel so left out and lonely and isolated.
But god, do I feel poisoned and ravaged. Geez, I'm even playing video games as a way of escape and I can't purge these awful fandom voices away.
I have no confidence in me and I want to fix it, but I don't know what to do. I just want to be purified and sure of everything again.
Guh. Gonna drown my sorrows in Pacmania now, but it's not like it'll work except as another mean to waste time.
Or at least, I always feel that way for some reason whenever I go offline. I never know why I'm so sad, and by the time I come back to type about it, I get distracted by something else and feel happy again. So the cycle repeats itself.
Why do I have a feeling I should give up as a writer? Of course, whenever I think that, an entire hole forms a huge void deep in me and I feel like I don't exist anymore. But what can I do if I can't ever gain true inspiration anymore? That I can't laugh out loud, be moved by anything ever again, and not be plagued by the negative things in fandom?
I often think that hatred is my enemy. You know how there's something you like and someone comes along and says it defiles and ruins the planet with it's prescence? Depending on the person, you'd either laugh it off, get angry, or feel low. But what if you're constantly barraged by people who comment with the same thing? I mean, we all don't like something. But there's a BIG difference between... it reminds me of what my Freshman Choir Teacher, Mr. Johns, said. Whenever we had to practice a music piece we dreaded, he asked us to say, "That's not my favorite song" instead of "I don't like that song" or "I hate that song" Why? Because if you say hate/don't like/dislike/can't stand/etc., it poisons the song--it gives a bitter, nasty venom to those who are trying to learn it, whether they like the song or not. But if we said the song wasn't our favorite, it's completely harmless while we're also telling the truth. Not to mention gets the point across without spewing fire. :P
And these same people seem to celebrate (the "right thing" to fangirl, supposedly) what I can't really see the appeal of. But it's like everyone does and I feel so left out and lonely and isolated.
But god, do I feel poisoned and ravaged. Geez, I'm even playing video games as a way of escape and I can't purge these awful fandom voices away.
I have no confidence in me and I want to fix it, but I don't know what to do. I just want to be purified and sure of everything again.
Guh. Gonna drown my sorrows in Pacmania now, but it's not like it'll work except as another mean to waste time.
