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May. 23rd, 2006
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May. 23rd, 2006 09:31 pmFor the 642768924-672869th time, I remember WHY I want to get out of this house and into college. 'Cause if I don't, I'll sink into sickness and NEVER get healthy. (And in more ways than one...)
I especially love that when during her "periods", Mom yells at me that bipolar is a passed-on thing and that there's chances I'd develop it and "it's on the same gene as autism blah blah blah!". Great. So one day I'm going to snap and LOSE complete control of myself!? I'll be stuck as a stay-in-bed-20-hours-a-day vegetable like Mom, who USED to be able to do great things and then look what happened. There's a chance I'm going to blabber on and on like an idiot in hypomania and can't help it so people keep the hell away from me? There's a chance I'll be brainwashed by medications and completely LOSE my brain and original frame of mind and possibly be manipulated by others and "changed" and/or be mentally damaged, and develop "symptoms" from said medications? That I'll be stuck thrashing around and NO one wants to be near me 'cause they're fucking terrified!? That I'll hurt myself or throw/swing things and almost drown and die if I was in the tub or shower or something!?
I dare mention this worry, and she tells me the good news is, "The thrashing isn't caused by bipolar! :DDD (Though the hypomania is)". Wow, I feel SO much better.
I was looking forward to summer vacation. You know, actually relaxing and being finally left alone in peace. Looks like the very opposite thing is happening and for once wish I could stay in school. 'Cause I'm sick of being called on. I'm SICK of sitting for pointless, depressing conversation I'd rather blot out from my head permanently and never worry about again.
'Cause you know what? I'm sick of feeling like crying almost everyday. I really am. It's all I ever do now is cry. But I've got no one to talk to. Can't talk to Mom or Dad, they're out of the question. They have their own problems now. Like they often do anyway...
Hope playing more NSMB and getting Worlds 4+7 helps, though it's likely to be temporary again, as usual...
I especially love that when during her "periods", Mom yells at me that bipolar is a passed-on thing and that there's chances I'd develop it and "it's on the same gene as autism blah blah blah!". Great. So one day I'm going to snap and LOSE complete control of myself!? I'll be stuck as a stay-in-bed-20-hours-a-day vegetable like Mom, who USED to be able to do great things and then look what happened. There's a chance I'm going to blabber on and on like an idiot in hypomania and can't help it so people keep the hell away from me? There's a chance I'll be brainwashed by medications and completely LOSE my brain and original frame of mind and possibly be manipulated by others and "changed" and/or be mentally damaged, and develop "symptoms" from said medications? That I'll be stuck thrashing around and NO one wants to be near me 'cause they're fucking terrified!? That I'll hurt myself or throw/swing things and almost drown and die if I was in the tub or shower or something!?
I dare mention this worry, and she tells me the good news is, "The thrashing isn't caused by bipolar! :DDD (Though the hypomania is)". Wow, I feel SO much better.
I was looking forward to summer vacation. You know, actually relaxing and being finally left alone in peace. Looks like the very opposite thing is happening and for once wish I could stay in school. 'Cause I'm sick of being called on. I'm SICK of sitting for pointless, depressing conversation I'd rather blot out from my head permanently and never worry about again.
'Cause you know what? I'm sick of feeling like crying almost everyday. I really am. It's all I ever do now is cry. But I've got no one to talk to. Can't talk to Mom or Dad, they're out of the question. They have their own problems now. Like they often do anyway...
Hope playing more NSMB and getting Worlds 4+7 helps, though it's likely to be temporary again, as usual...
