Here. In My Head. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
here_inmyhead) wrote2006-05-09 08:01 pm
here_inmyhead) wrote2006-05-09 08:01 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
So you know? When I look at a character or a shipping...
- I never judge from the fangirls
- I never judge from a character's/ship's popularity
- I never judge from fandom/fanfiction suckiness
- I do judge from what I think of him/her/them in the game
So if I say I don't like a couple or something, and you say, "Don't worry, at least the fanfics are good!", let's hope you get out alive with less than a broken neck. Guess what? Chances are I know the stories, I know the rhymes--sure, they're wonderful. But the ship itself still does nothing for me.
Yes, I'm fully aware that for what I do support, the drooling fangirls and garbage trip me to the dirt and laugh. You don't need to tell me. I don't need any fingers pointing at me, heads nodding in affirmative "sad truth", and be all "I told you so", like I deserved it for following a "puny" "immature" following. Again. You don't need to tell me. I'm not ignorant and stupid like you think I am. If you think I'm going to leave a character, ship, or a fandom because of a crummy fanbase, prepare for the screeching and hair-pulling. You see, I have something called a "Me" fandom.
It's exactly what it sounds like. Just the Animé, video game, whatever, and myself. Albeit, its foundations are getting shaky all the time, with its single member coming back feeling torn, bruised and beaten each time, and noticed yet another one of her decorations getting old and dusty and falling to the ground like ripped drapes or hunks of chewed metal. Still, this place was the most important thing to me. There is no shipwars. There is no rabid fangirls. As far as I'm concerned, no fanfiction exists except for mine. I am all alone, except for nameless random muses floating by now and then, often Mario characters, most commonly Peach and Bowser, maybe Wario. Just somewhere where I could swim in Winamp music and unleash creativity. No one screamed at me. No one made faces. No one condescended me for liking a character, liking a ship, or thinking a certain idea. Because I'm the only one. I was free to paint my inner self and sing in glee.
Nowadays, it's just harder and harder to get into that room. And it seems more like a wreck than ever each time I visit. It's like, I'm not securing my "Me"dom enough. It's like I'm letting too many people in when it was supposed to be MY place. There used to be rainbows on the wall. So, they grow disgusted and by the time I get back, the colors are either clouded or worse--shredded to rags or graphiti'd on. So I stand there, the gray spray-painted graphiti message cutting me in the heart and I take the rainbows down to tape 'em together, wash them up, even put new rainbows up... I do everything to protect this place. But they keep. Coming. Back.
Ye gods, it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
It feels like the only thing that'll ever truly make me feel better is if I upload an actual fic on FF.net. Or something. Hell, just finishing the entire Secret*Fic, even if it takes me years and years to ever finish it at all. It's like, the most important thing to me right now: the Secret*Fic. But I've hardly done anything for it the past year and now, and... by next November, it'd be two years. It's like I've been stuck in Writer's Block for months and months on end. Hell, even Icon Block too. It's been that miserable.
Sounds like a selfish thing. But then, people often thing it's selfish to want to be alone in general anyway. So fuck that.
There's only ten kajillion more things I have in mind, but the Internet melted my brain again, trying to cheer myself up. I dunno. Among that, I want school to end. All that happens when I go is more stress and a constant reminder of everything that bothers me that's only worse 'cause the only way I can fix 'em is to go online.
(1 + 1 = 3
3 - 1 = 2
Now it's me and you
You are like Pikachu,
Small but strong
The bravest of us...)
4 AM, I watch you sleep
I pray to god your soul to keep
You're sound asleep, but I feel pain
You win my thoughts, you're in my head again
I wonder what you dream, when you dream
Do you feel what I feel?
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
- I never judge from the fangirls
- I never judge from a character's/ship's popularity
- I never judge from fandom/fanfiction suckiness
- I do judge from what I think of him/her/them in the game
So if I say I don't like a couple or something, and you say, "Don't worry, at least the fanfics are good!", let's hope you get out alive with less than a broken neck. Guess what? Chances are I know the stories, I know the rhymes--sure, they're wonderful. But the ship itself still does nothing for me.
Yes, I'm fully aware that for what I do support, the drooling fangirls and garbage trip me to the dirt and laugh. You don't need to tell me. I don't need any fingers pointing at me, heads nodding in affirmative "sad truth", and be all "I told you so", like I deserved it for following a "puny" "immature" following. Again. You don't need to tell me. I'm not ignorant and stupid like you think I am. If you think I'm going to leave a character, ship, or a fandom because of a crummy fanbase, prepare for the screeching and hair-pulling. You see, I have something called a "Me" fandom.
It's exactly what it sounds like. Just the Animé, video game, whatever, and myself. Albeit, its foundations are getting shaky all the time, with its single member coming back feeling torn, bruised and beaten each time, and noticed yet another one of her decorations getting old and dusty and falling to the ground like ripped drapes or hunks of chewed metal. Still, this place was the most important thing to me. There is no shipwars. There is no rabid fangirls. As far as I'm concerned, no fanfiction exists except for mine. I am all alone, except for nameless random muses floating by now and then, often Mario characters, most commonly Peach and Bowser, maybe Wario. Just somewhere where I could swim in Winamp music and unleash creativity. No one screamed at me. No one made faces. No one condescended me for liking a character, liking a ship, or thinking a certain idea. Because I'm the only one. I was free to paint my inner self and sing in glee.
Nowadays, it's just harder and harder to get into that room. And it seems more like a wreck than ever each time I visit. It's like, I'm not securing my "Me"dom enough. It's like I'm letting too many people in when it was supposed to be MY place. There used to be rainbows on the wall. So, they grow disgusted and by the time I get back, the colors are either clouded or worse--shredded to rags or graphiti'd on. So I stand there, the gray spray-painted graphiti message cutting me in the heart and I take the rainbows down to tape 'em together, wash them up, even put new rainbows up... I do everything to protect this place. But they keep. Coming. Back.
Ye gods, it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
It feels like the only thing that'll ever truly make me feel better is if I upload an actual fic on FF.net. Or something. Hell, just finishing the entire Secret*Fic, even if it takes me years and years to ever finish it at all. It's like, the most important thing to me right now: the Secret*Fic. But I've hardly done anything for it the past year and now, and... by next November, it'd be two years. It's like I've been stuck in Writer's Block for months and months on end. Hell, even Icon Block too. It's been that miserable.
Sounds like a selfish thing. But then, people often thing it's selfish to want to be alone in general anyway. So fuck that.
There's only ten kajillion more things I have in mind, but the Internet melted my brain again, trying to cheer myself up. I dunno. Among that, I want school to end. All that happens when I go is more stress and a constant reminder of everything that bothers me that's only worse 'cause the only way I can fix 'em is to go online.
(1 + 1 = 3
3 - 1 = 2
Now it's me and you
You are like Pikachu,
Small but strong
The bravest of us...)
4 AM, I watch you sleep
I pray to god your soul to keep
You're sound asleep, but I feel pain
You win my thoughts, you're in my head again
I wonder what you dream, when you dream
Do you feel what I feel?
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
no subject
Look at my Super Smash Brothers and F-Zero stuff, if you want a good example of mine. Pretty much all of my 'me' fandoms have been ruined in one way or another... either through mockery from others or me being paranoid about what others think.
Believe me, it sucks.
I just wish you, of all people, didn't have to suffer from that. You have such a *beautiful* gift of storytelling. I wish people didn't hate you for it, regardless if it's Sonic/Shadow or what have you. Nobody should have to feel 'afraid' in a fandom... but sadly these days that seems to be the nature of them, no matter how huge or how small.
*hugs*
no subject
no subject
no subject
Stay away from the online fandom. Unless it's with someone you know well and know won't cause you trouble for it.
Pretend the online version of your fandom doesn't exist. Don't talk about it, don't look for it, don't do anything like that.
If you want your fandom, go back to your 'Me' place.
Everybody has a 'Me' fandom. It's where I've existed for years. And yes, I've shared my 'Me' place with people, but it's only -after- I've learned that they can be trusted with it.
Take a break until you can tidy up your 'Me' place and put a nice shiny lock on it. Then only give the key to particular friends.
You're letting people who don't matter get in the way.
Who cares what other people think? You shouldn't. All that matters is you and a little Italian plumber or two hedgie rivals in love. No one else.
For every person who wants to mock you and damage your 'Me' place.. there's one who would respect it and share it and help you make it even prettier.
Leave your online fandom alone.
And remember that you actually -do- have friends who'll always respect your 'Me' place.
Can I help you paint your rainbows? <3<3
no subject
Just know I'm here for ya. *waves Sonadow flag*